How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Those of you who are familiar with my work will know that I confess to being a recovered people pleaser. There was a time in my life when I’d bend over backwards to keep everyone else happy. I valued other people’s needs more than my own, tried hard to fit in and would automatically say yes to whatever was asked of me. It wasn’t until the stress I was under became unbearable that I realised something was seriously wrong. There was so much pressure in my life that I was left with no choice but to dig deep and change the way I related not only to others but also myself. It took some work but I turned myself around. How about you? Are you exhausted from being all things to all people? Are you forever trying to please others to the point where you feel like you’re losing yourself?
Reconnect with Your Inner Child and Heal Your Life
Do you ever find yourself wondering why you keep repeating behaviours that aren’t good for you? Or why certain people and situations trigger you emotionally, to the point where you’re not in control of yourself? Or why you have trouble sticking to decisions and achieving the things you want in life? These issues show up a lot in my therapy room and there’s usually one thing that lies at the root of the problem: an unhealed inner child. So, what is the inner child and how does it come to be an issue? The inner child is the part of us that represents the child we used to be; the part that carries the imprint of all our childhood experiences, the good and the bad. If your inner child is healthy and well-nurtured, then you will tend to approach life …
How to Forgive the People Who Have Hurt You
Is there a person in your life you’re harbouring anger and resentment towards? Someone you can’t bring yourself to forgive for what they’ve done to you? When someone has abused us; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored us; treated us unfairly or taken advantage of us, the pain and trauma can run deep and be difficult to come back from. Why, you might ask, when they’ve hurt you should you seek to forgive? There is one good reason, and that is to put an end to your own suffering. Holding onto feelings of anger, bitterness, hatred or resentment towards another not only keeps you bound to that person, emotionally and energetically, it also causes ongoing …
Is Unresolved Sadness Keeping You Stuck
How comfortable are you dealing with feelings of sadness? Do you allow yourself to be present with them, or do you do everything in your power to run away from them and pretend they’re not there, busying yourself with distractions? In my experience, many people do the latter. There appears to be a collective discomfort around owning our sadness, facing it, and allowing it full expression. Perhaps more than any other emotion, it’s one that people tend to deny. This denial is often a form of self-protection …
Find a Creative Pursuit for a Happier, More Balanced Life
The psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says that “when we are involved in creativity, we feel that we are living more fully than during the rest of life.” I can certainly vouch for that. The times when I feel the most alive, energised, ‘in the flow’ and relaxed are usually when I’m doing something creative. I love to knit, crochet and sew, and one of my favourite pastimes is making knitted toys and little rag dolls to give away as gifts. These activities really help me to …
How to Cope with Being a Highly Sensitive Person
Do you consider yourself to be a sensitive person? Someone who feels everything deeply. Someone who is naturally attuned to the feelings of others. Someone who needs a lot of time alone to unwind and recharge. As a child, perhaps you were described as ‘timid’, ‘shy’, ‘soft’ or ‘emotional’ by your teachers and caregivers. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells and crowds can be difficult to tolerate. You startle easily. In chaotic, complex or tense situations you feel …
How to Stay Sane during These Unpredictable Times
I hope you are keeping well, safe and, quite frankly, sane. We are living in unprecedented times, and there is a lot of fear, confusion and uncertainty in the air. If you’ve worked with me, you’ll know that I take a holistic approach to problem solving life’s challenges. Here are some practical mental, emotional and spiritual tips to help you stay calm, balanced and empowered through the current coronavirus crisis …
Where’s Your Problem Really Coming From?
Every day in my practice I work with people who are smart, empowered and committed to bettering their lives. They may be facing challenges, but they show up to appointments, and they invest time, money and energy on their personal growth. Usually, they’ve appeared at my door because their situation has come to a head. They’re feeling distressed, confused and unhappy and need some external support to work through their issues. One of the things I bring to the table is …
Natural Ways to Lift Your Mood
Let me ask, do you feel helpless when you’re going through a tough time and feeling down? As if there’s nothing you can do to get yourself out of that state? We’d all like to feel good all of the time, but, inevitably, we go through periods when we feel demotivated and irritable, or worse unhappy and upset. I can recall a time in my younger life when I struggled to manage my emotional state. Feelings of tension and unease were my constant companions …
Are You a People-Pleaser?
I found myself dealing with a very forceful woman the other day who just wouldn’t accept that I couldn’t give her an appointment because I was fully booked up. She refused to hear what I was saying and continued to push at my personal boundaries for several minutes. Feeling the pressure building up inside me, I had to fight with every fibre of my being to not fall back into an old pattern of mine: being a people-pleaser. There was a time in my life when …
How to Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Would you ever leave your house without securing the doors and windows? Or, leave your car unattended, unlocked, with the windows down?
I’m sure you wouldn’t. No one wants their property ransacked, stolen or tampered with.
I find it interesting that we all invest a considerable amount of time and energy in keeping our belongings safe, yet when it comes to keeping ourselves safe, psychologically and energetically, we pay far less attention ...
How to Recognise the Toxic People in Your Life
You probably know as well as I do that the quality of our relationships directly affects the quality of our lives. Healthy relationships are good for us. They have a positive effect on our mental and physical health, enhance our lives, help us grow into better versions of ourselves, and even cause us to live longer. Unhealthy relationships are not good for us. They have an adverse effect on our mental and physical health; they diminish the quality of our lives, cause us pain and hurt, and degrade us. People who value their inner peace and happiness always keep their relationships under regular review …
How to Cultivate Greater Self-Worth
Humour me for a moment and imagine that you have the power to clone yourself so that there are now two identical versions of you out there in the world. Now, let me ask you a question. If you were to meet this other ‘you’ would you be good friends? Would you like ‘you’? I often ask my clients this question and their response gives me an insight into how they see themselves. Their answer tells me a lot about their sense of self-worth and their self-esteem in that moment. Self-worth is defined as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person”. Self-esteem is defined as …
The Gentle Art of Saying ‘No’
Emotional overwhelm is something that brings many people to my practice. For them life has simply got out of control. There are too many people making too many demands … too much to do in too little time … too many expectations and not enough energy to deal with them all. The result is anxiety which, if left unchecked, leads to mental, emotional and physical breakdown. We all experience overwhelming feelings. I’m guessing you know what that’s like. I certainly do. In fact, I used to get overwhelmed a lot. Nowadays, though, it’s less the feeling of overwhelm that I deal with than the …
The Healing Power of Writing
When was the last time you had some kind of emotional meltdown? Perhaps you lost your cool with someone … or suffered a debilitating wave of anxiety … were plagued by intense, painful feelings of guilt … or felt overwhelmed by grief and sadness. We’ve all experienced moments when our emotions have got the better of us - moments that have left us feeling vulnerable, confused and lost. Do you know that there’s something you can do in those very moments to help yourself? Something that …
Is It a Crisis or an Awakening?
It is truly amazing how within a split second everything in a person’s life can dramatically change . I experienced such a moment a few weeks ago. It was a very normal Monday. I was having a good day. I remember feeling well, happy and calm. The sun was shining. All my client appointments for the week were fully booked. Life was good. That was until l received a text from my son telling me that my husband had had a heart attack. He had been resuscitated a number of times. And, I urgently …
How to Resolve Inner Conflict and Find Peace
One of the key things I look out for in my work with clients is inner conflict. It is fascinating how much warfare goes on inside a person. It is also disturbing because this sort of tension, left unchecked, inevitably creates emotional turmoil and dis-ease. Can you relate to this scenario? You are lying in bed, warm and cozy when the alarm goes off. You want to stay exactly where you are but a voice in your head starts nagging you to get up. You resist it for a short while but it continues to get louder and louder …
The 7 Myths about Counselling
Take a moment and cast your mind back over your life. Would you say that your life has been completely trouble free? Do you know anyone who has lived a totally problem-free life? A person who has never faced a difficulty, a challenge, a distressing experience or a significant life change such as bereavement, divorce, redundancy or illness? I certainly haven’t lived such a life, or know of anyone who has. The business of living can be tough at times. We all experience family …
Are You Neglecting the Most Important Person in Your Life?
As human beings we are continually in relationship, all day and every day, for the whole of our lives. Sometimes it is with other living beings: humans and animals. Sometimes it’s with inanimate objects - food, clothes, money - or ideas. There is one relationship, above all others, that is critical to our wellbeing. It is impossible to live a peaceful, healthy, happy life if this relationship is not monitored and managed adequately. The relationship to which I’m referring is the one we have with ourselves. Let me ask you a question. How do you habitually relate to yourself? …
How Avoiding Your Emotions May Be Harming You
If I could go back thirty years and give my younger self some advice it would be to “stop avoiding your emotions.” Back in those days, I expended a lot of energy suppressing my feelings. I tried hard to fit in, do the right thing, and avoid drama of any kind. I had emotional regulation down to a fine art. The world saw me as calm, quiet and amiable, while deep inside there was turmoil and emotional chaos. It took me a long time to figure out that …