How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Those of you who are familiar with my work will know that I confess to being a recovered people-pleaser.
There was a time in my life when I’d bend over backwards to keep everyone else happy.
I valued other people’s needs more than my own, tried hard to fit in and would automatically say yes to whatever was asked of me.
It wasn’t until the stress I was under became unbearable that I realised something was seriously wrong. There was so much pressure in my life that I was left with no choice but to dig deep and change the way I related not only to others but also myself.
It took some work but I turned myself around.
How about you? Are you exhausted from being all things to all people? Are you forever trying to please others to the point where you feel like you’re losing yourself?
If people-pleasing is an issue in your life, let me help you take a closer look at how and why you acquired this habit, why it’s not serving you, and most importantly what you can do to stop.
The difference between ‘caring’ and being a people-pleaser
Now, I’m sure we can all agree that it’s inherently good to be kind, caring and empathic. Most of us naturally want to help others – it’s how we forge positive relationships and it contributes to our sense of well-being.
But, there’s a difference between being ‘caring’ and being a people-pleaser.
The difference lies in your underlying motive for offering help. For people-pleasers, their helpfulness tends to come from a place of needing approval. It comes from a need to be liked by others and a sense that their self-worth depends on keeping others happy.
People-pleasers often believe they are being loving and giving but underneath the surface they have an ulterior motive. They are giving to receive something back in return – validation, acceptance and love – and this becomes an unspoken transaction in their interactions with others.
Doing things for others becomes a way of feeling good about themselves.
Where does the need to please come from?
As with most human behaviours, it’s partly down to nature and partly to nurture. Certain personality types, such as those that score highly for ‘agreeableness’ and those that are sensitive, tend to be more naturally co-operative, conflict-averse, and innately attuned to the wants and needs of others. This can make them predisposed to care for others but also have fragile self-esteem.
People-pleasing can also have its origins in your childhood experiences and upbringing. If you grew up with parents or caregivers who were too preoccupied to consistently offer you warmth and affection, then you will have learnt to earn their love and approval by being ‘good’. Or you may have had a significant adult in your life who behaved submissively and catered to everyone else’s needs except their own, causing you to internalise the behaviour that was modelled to you.
Our childhood conditioning persists well into our adult lives, often unconsciously, which means that, at first, many people-pleasers may not realise they are acting in ways that aim to influence how others see them. But there are some telltale signs. If you’re not sure whether you’re simply being a ‘nice person’ or engaging in people-pleasing behaviour, take a look at the list below. How many of these statements are true for you?
Signs you may be a people-pleaser
1. You have great difficulty saying no and are overcome with guilt if you do.
2. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
3. You’re preoccupied with what others think of you.
4. You’re quick to agree with others, even if you inwardly disagree.
5. You do things out of obligation or because you feel they’re expected of you.
6. You go out of your way to keep the peace.
7. You’re always apologising, even for things that aren’t your fault.
8. In social situations you mould yourself to fit in with the people you’re with.
9. You never have time for yourself and neglect your own needs to help others.
10. You tend to judge others as selfish, as a projection of your own frustration.
11. You feel underappreciated, disappointed and resentful.
12. You have a low opinion of yourself and think others are better and more worthy than you.
When you don’t value yourself enough to balance your own needs with the needs and expectations of others, distress and overwhelm are the inevitable result. In the long run, this leads to fatigue and burnout as you continually take on too much. Gradually your sense of self also diminishes; you no longer know what you truly think, feel and want because you become so used to pushing your true feelings aside. It can be a struggle to be authentic when your identity is so tied up in others. Over time, this feeling of disconnection can push a person into depression.
So, how do you stop? How do you quit seeking validation from others and start living life on your own terms? Here are 10 strategies that helped me in my personal journey that can help you too.
1. Be Honest with Yourself
First, take a good honest look at where you are habitually helping or giving to others out of guilt or obligation, not because it makes you genuinely happy. Admitting that you may be driven by a fear of rejection rather than acting out of pure kindness and generosity takes humility, courage and self-awareness, so don’t judge yourself. Instead, approach this self-enquiry with an attitude of openness and curiosity. Recognising how the pattern is playing out in your life is the first step to changing things.
2. Recognise the Damage Being Done to your Relationships
People often think that being accommodating is helping their relationships to function well. In fact, the exact opposite is true. People-pleasing hurts your relationships because a) it prevents you from showing up honestly and authentically, undermining true intimacy and connection; b) it creates a power imbalance where one party gets their needs met at the expense of the other; c) it often leads to passive-aggressive behaviour, which is an extremely destructive pattern of communication arising from unexpressed anger and resentment; and d) it can allow other people to take you for granted, to manipulate you and take advantage of you. In healthy relationships there is an equal distribution of power between both parties, involving mutual give and take.
3. Learn to Detach from Other People’s Opinions of You
Whatever you do, you will never be able to control what other people think or feel about you. How others see you is a matter of perception; it’s filtered through the lenses of their personal experiences, expectations and beliefs. It usually has little to do with you. More than anything, you need to cultivate an unshakeable positive regard for yourself that endures no matter what others say or do. Take a look at my blog How to Stop Caring about What Other People Think of You if you’d like more advice on this.
4. Work on Developing a More Positive Relationship with Yourself
The truth is, no amount of external validation will ever make you feel good enough. This can only come from building an inner sense of your own worth; by accepting yourself fully and unconditionally, as you are. Start to value yourself and recognise that your wants and needs are just as important as those of the people around you. Know that your worth comes from your innate value as a human being, not from what you do for others. My blog How to Cultivate Greater Self-Worth has strategies that can help you with this.
5. Acknowledge your Own Needs and Preferences
As someone who’s very attuned to what others feel and want, you will be used to directing your focus outwards. Your task is to bring your focus back to yourself. Start paying attention to your inner world by spending time alone with yourself every day. Tune into what your inner voice is telling you. What do you like? What do you dislike? How do you really feel about the people and situations in your life? If your inner voice is drowned out by the clamour of other people’s expectations, be patient; it may take some time to recognise and hear what it’s telling you.
6. Spend Time Identifying your Values, Goals and Priorities
In order to strengthen your sense of identity, take some time to work out what is important to you. Here’s one way to do this. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into five categories: Home, Work, Relationships, Recreation and Personal. Under each category write down what you feel your priorities are. Where do you want to spend your time and energy? Who in your life do you genuinely want to support? What are your goals and dreams? When you are clear about your personal priorities, you’re much better placed to make informed decisions about whether you can and want to commit time and energy to doing the things others ask or expect of you.
7. Realise You Do Have a Choice
If you stop to listen to your inner dialogue, I’m sure you will find the word ‘should’ cropping up a lot. People-pleasers are always telling themselves they should do things, even when their feelings tell them otherwise. This can make you quickly override any resistance you feel as your mind comes up with reasons why you ‘have’ to. It can feel less like a choice and more like a compulsion. But the reality is you do have a choice – and it’s within your power to make a different decision. Whenever you hear yourself thinking I have to do this, pause for a moment and ask yourself, Is this really true? Then mentally survey the other choices you could make. My blog Living in the Land of Should explores this issue in more detail.
8. Put in place Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential to communicate to others what is and isn’t acceptable to us, including how much we’re able to take on. To set clear boundaries we need to make a realistic assessment of the capacity we have, physical, mental and emotional, to assist someone. When someone asks you for help, get into the habit of properly evaluating the request before giving an answer. Check in with yourself: Am I genuinely willing/able to do this? Do I have the time? Will saying yes cause me to feel stressed, angry or resentful? Are the needs of the other person greater than my own right now? Is it a genuine need or could this person be taking advantage of my good nature? If after some honest self-reflection you decide there are limits to the help you can offer (for example, you can only spare an hour or be available at a certain time), then communicate your boundary kindly but firmly to the other person. You can read more about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries here.
9. Learn How to Assertively Decline Requests
Learning to say no can be a daunting prospect if you’ve been a yes person all your life. But it’s an essential skill to master if you want to set strong boundaries and make space for yourself in your life. Remember that turning someone down doesn’t have to involve saying no directly. You can politely decline requests at the same time as showing kindness, empathy and sensitivity. Responses like “I know how important this is to you, but I’m sorry, I don’t have the capacity to help” or “Thank you for thinking of me; I’d love to help but already have plans for that day” are softer and can feel more comfortable to people-pleasers. Assertiveness is a skill that anyone can learn. If you feel you would benefit from some in-depth guidance and step-by-step coaching on how to be more assertive, then check out my book The Power of Speaking Your Truth.
10. Increase your Capacity to Tolerate Uncomfortable Feelings
When you first begin to step away from your people-pleasing ways, you may find that a lot of intense emotions bubble up. You may have feelings of being a bad person, of guilt, shame and sadness. You may be fearful of hurting or disappointing others. Rest assured that such feelings are perfectly normal – they’re not a sign you’re doing something wrong. Instead of running away from your emotions, make space to sit with them and allow them to move through your body. You’ll soon discover they won’t harm you but will eventually abate, and in time your ability to handle the uncomfortable feelings you were trying to avoid by pleasing others will be strengthened. Remember, too, that if some people are upset or disappointed with you because you are not as accommodating and compliant as you used to be, they, not you, are responsible for their feelings.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s this: abandoning yourself for the sake of keeping others happy does not bring the rewards you imagine it will. It does not guarantee that people will admire and respect you, nor that they will one day reciprocate all that you have done for them. In giving so much, you stand to lose a great deal. Your happiness. Your freedom. Your well-being. Your connection with your inner truth and authentic self. Your sense of balance and peace. As the writer and speaker Dennis Merritt Jones says,
“It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high a price to pay.”
It’s simply not worth it.
