Reconnect with Your Inner Child and Heal Your Life
Do you ever find yourself wondering why you keep repeating behaviours that aren’t good for you?
Or why certain people and situations trigger you emotionally, to the point where you’re not in control of yourself?
Or why you have trouble sticking to decisions and achieving the things you want in life?
These issues show up a lot in my therapy room and there’s usually one thing that lies at the root of the problem: an unhealed inner child.
So, what is the inner child and how does it come to be an issue?
The inner child is the part of us that represents the child we used to be; the part that carries the imprint of all our childhood experiences, the good and the bad.
If your inner child is healthy and well-nurtured, then you will tend to approach life with a sense of confidence and excitement, responding constructively to challenges. You will be in touch with the naturally creative, playful and free-spirited aspects of your personality, the side of you that knows how to have fun.
If, however, as a consequence of your childhood experiences you have a hurt and neglected inner child, then life will tend to feel hard. You will find yourself feeling anxious, empty and stuck; fearful when challenges arise and repeatedly engaging in patterns of self-sabotage, without really understanding why.
A person’s inner child is wounded when their needs were not met or they experienced trauma during their early years.
As children we all have basic needs – the need for love, attention, security, belonging, emotional connection with others, friendship and achievement. But, either through ignorance or a lack of capacity, our parents/caregivers may not have been able to fulfil these needs in the way that we required.
Living through traumatic events and situations also causes us harm. As children we are naturally sensitive and even seemingly trivial things, like being ridiculed by an older sibling, can hurt us. Negative events such as accidents, illnesses, bereavement or sudden changes in family circumstances can leave us traumatised, and for those of us who are highly sensitive, the impact can be particularly intense.
If a child grows up in a dysfunctional family environment where there is neglect and/or abuse or is witness to others being harmed, the impact of that trauma is acute. The child feels extreme distress but has no way of knowing how to process powerful emotions like rage, terror and powerlessness. As a result, these emotions get suppressed and locked away in its unconscious.
The unprocessed pain and trauma, although locked away, has a significant effect on the child’s natural emotional development. Although the child continues to grow physically, and mentally its capacity to learn and adapt increases, the emotional body gets left behind. The emotional body gets so bogged down with all the repressed emotions that its growth is stunted.
If your childhood years were touched by adversity, then now as an adult you probably find yourself caught in an internal battle. A battle between your emotions, which are still in a state of infancy, and your mind; the adult, rational side of you. The inner tension this creates can be profound and make it difficult to function in the world – the adult you wants to get on with life but your wounded inner child keeps showing up and creating havoc.
I often use the analogy of driving a car to explain how this inner battle plays out. If you imagine that you, as the adult, are in the driving seat (of your life), then you are in charge; you know exactly where you’re going; you keep in lane and abide by the rules to keep yourself safe. But there’s another presence in the car with you, your inner child, sitting there in the passenger seat. Any time you approach a boulder in the road, something that could pose a threat to you, this scared and hypervigilant child jumps into the driving seat, takes hold of the wheel and before you know it has driven you into a ditch. And all the time you are powerless to stop it happening.
If you are not conscious of what is going on, this can be very disorientating.
Signs your inner child is in need of attention
So, how do you identify if your inner child is an issue in your life? What are the discernible signs? There are endless ways in which the wounded inner child expresses itself but here are 9 of the most common. Can you relate to any of these?
1. You tend to overreact or react inappropriately to certain situations in your life
You feel irritated, upset and resentful towards people or situations for reasons that aren’t quite justified. You may find yourself speaking out of turn or behaving in ways you later regret. It’s as though some uncontrollable part of you takes over, even as another part of you tries to shut it down.
2. You are overly independent
There’s a prevailing attitude of ‘I don’t need anyone’ or ‘I can do it all myself.’ You don’t allow others to help you because you believe you can’t rely on anyone but yourself.
3. You engage in people-pleasing behaviour
You’re very focused on meeting everyone else’s needs and wishes in an attempt to secure approval from others. It’s hard for you to set boundaries because you’re afraid of rejection, and at times you’re not even sure of your own identity because you’re always adapting your personality to fit in with the people around you.
4. You have a harsh and unrelenting inner critic
Your inner voice is always telling you you’re not good enough. You constantly judge yourself, make unfair comparisons and put yourself down.
5. You feel insecure and have low self-esteem
You struggle with your self-image, have trouble trusting yourself and lack confidence in making decisions. There may be a deep-seated belief that there is something wrong with you which creates strong feelings of insecurity.
6. You have tense or difficult relationships
Deep down you have an intense fear of abandonment and loss of love which makes it difficult for you to trust and get close to other people. You may be dismissive of your own needs or the needs of others, which creates problems with intimacy, or you may have a tendency to push people away. Or there may be a feeling of neediness which can never be satisfied.
7. You feel highly anxious when faced with something new
It could be new people, new experiences or new situations, whenever you’re up against something unfamiliar you feel out of control and out of your depth. Underneath you have a strong feeling of inadequacy which causes you to seek safety in rigid routines. There’s a general sense of ‘I can’t handle the world’ which confines you to your comfort zone.
8. You have difficulty expressing your emotions
Especially negatives ones like anger, fear, sadness and frustration. You may have a tendency to shut down and bottle up how you feel instead of honestly communicating with others. Or you may have trouble containing your feelings so that they spill out in bouts of anger or tearful meltdowns, often when you least expect.
9. You have developed some unhealthy coping behaviours
As a way of numbing unpleasant feelings and maintaining a sense of control, you may find yourself gravitating towards addictive behaviours like workaholism, substance misuse, perfectionism and gambling. You may feel a strong compulsion to escape from reality by spending excessive amounts of time playing computer games, binge-watching TV or on the internet, or you might seek gratification through food, alcohol and shopping at the expense of your well-being.
How to heal the child within
There is only one way to begin healing the sad, frightened little child inside you that is creating all this disturbance in your life, and that is to give it the attention, love and care it’s never had. Only by connecting with it, tending to it and nurturing it can you begin to heal its pain and give it the safety it is craving.
When you bring the child and adult aspects of yourself into a state of harmony not only will you acquire a greater degree of control over your emotions and behaviour, you will also find it easier to access your natural states of innocence, wonder, joy and creativity.
Here is a simple two-step visualisation process that will help you get in touch with and begin healing that hurt little child within.
Step 1: Create a clear visual image of your inner child
Start by simply reconnecting. There’s no right or wrong way to do this; you just need to form a detailed picture in your mind of your inner child. You might like to work with the car analogy I mentioned earlier; many of my clients find this helpful.
Imagine that the adult you is seated in the driver’s seat of a stationary car. The child you is in the passenger seat. Now, look over to the passenger seat and observe who is sitting there. What age is she? What is she wearing? What expression does she have on her face? What is she doing? Is she quiet or noisy? Go with whatever your subconscious mind offers up.
Step 2: Cultivate a healthy adult/child relationship
Now as you observe your inner child, notice how she’s carrying a giant black rucksack filled with rubble on her back. It’s so heavy that she’s stooping under the weight. This bag represents all the pain and angst that your inner child has been shouldering for so long. Your job, as the adult, is to relieve her of this burden. So picture yourself lifting the bag from her shoulders and placing it outside the car.
All your inner child wants is to feel safe and reassured, so offer her that reassurance. Tell her, “It’s okay, you don’t need to carry the burden anymore. I’ll handle everything from now on.”
Next, in your imagination conjure up a special place, a place of beauty, safety and serenity. It could be a garden, a lake, a beach or anywhere else that is meaningful to you. Picture just the two of you sitting there quietly together. Look her directly in the eye and as a loving, compassionate parent would, soothe and reassure her. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, sit her on your lap, hug and cuddle her. Tell her, “Everything’s fine, I’m the adult and I’m in charge now. I’m going to take care of you.” Continue doing this for as long as she needs.
If you do this visualisation every day for at least a month, it won’t be long before you notice a shift. You can also return to this practice any time you feel triggered or sense you might be about to fly off the handle about something. Immediately call up the image you’ve created of your inner child, take her by the hand, give her a hug and let her know: “I’m here, you’re okay, I’m not going to let anyone harm you or take away your power. You can calm down now.”
Reparenting your inner child takes a little effort, but if you actively engage with the process and persist, then you will be pleasantly surprised by how quickly it stops being an issue in your life. As soon as you bring its pain out into your awareness, you will find that the child that was kicking, screaming and banging on the door of your consciousness simply disappears, and the pain resolves.
As the American author Martha Beck says, “Caring for your inner child has a surprisingly quick result: do it and the child heals.”
When you may need support
Some people find that when they begin to reconnect with their inner child, deeply traumatic memories and emotions are unearthed that are extremely distressing. This can not only be overwhelming but also destabilising. If this happens, it’s important that you seek help from an appropriately qualified therapist who is able to support you through the healing process in a safe way that does not cause you to relive the trauma.
One of the safest and most efficient ways of clearing out the energy of suppressed childhood trauma and the unhealthy coping strategies you developed as a survival response is through Divine Healing. It works rapidly and there’s no need to rake over the past or talk about disturbing memories. Normally, two or three sessions are all that’s needed. If you feel you would benefit from support and are interested in energy healing, then please do give me a call. I’d be happy to help.
