How to Forgive the People Who Have Hurt You

Is there a person in your life you’re harbouring anger and resentment towards?

Someone you can’t bring yourself to forgive for what they’ve done to you?

When someone has abused us; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored us; treated us unfairly or taken advantage of us, the pain and trauma can run deep and be difficult to come back from.

Why, you might ask, when they’ve hurt you should you seek to forgive?

There is one good reason, and that is to put an end to your own suffering. 

Holding onto feelings of anger, bitterness, hatred or resentment towards another not only keeps you bound to that person, emotionally and energetically, it also causes ongoing mental and emotional distress. 

It keeps you in a heightened state of stress, where your automatic nervous system is constantly being activated and your body flushed with stress hormones. Eventually this disrupts your body’s normal functioning and in the long run leads to problems with sleep, anxiety and depression.

When heavy emotions are not processed, their energy also intensifies over time. 

This energy can become toxic, slowly seeping into the rest of your life – your home, relationships and workplace, generating mistrust, conflict and tension with people and situations that have nothing to do with the person who hurt you.

I think we can all agree it’s not a healthy way to live.

Quite simply, holding onto a grudge gives the other party power over your happiness and well-being long after the original offence or grievance has come to an end.

They may or may not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve release – from the emotional burden you are carrying. 

This is not to say you approve of or agree with that person’s actions.

It doesn’t mean you think what they did was okay or that you’ll ever trust them again.

Nor does it mean you become a doormat to further abuse.

Forgiving means you are choosing, as an act of self-care, to detach from the pain, judgement, fear, animosity and blame that is weighing you down so that you can heal from the past and move on with your life.

It means you are choosing to live more fully in the present, accepting life as it is. 

It’s an inner journey; one that you take for your own sanity and peace of mind. 

No one would claim it’s an easy path, but there’s no doubt that the benefits to your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health are significant. By forgiving, you:

·      regain authority over your inner world

·      lower your anxiety and stress levels 

·      alleviate depression

·      become more empowered, as you no longer see yourself as a victim

·      reduce dis-ease in your body (including lowering blood pressure, cholesterol levels, the risk of heart attack, and gastrointestinal and other bodily pains)

·      enhance your relationships with others

·      are able to cultivate a stronger spiritual connection

·      and, live life with a greater sense of ease and enjoyment.

So, if forgiving is in our own best interests, how do we do it? 

It’s important to be aware that it’s a process; one that honours and integrates all aspects of your being: the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. 

Neglecting any one of these aspects keeps you stuck because it creates internal conflict; one part of you is ready to heal while the other is holding you back. 

If, however, you engage with the process in a step-by-step, integrated way, as I suggest below, you will in time reach a place of lightness and detachment that truly endures.   

Step 1: Make an Inner Commitment

Call to mind the person who has wronged you and make a commitment to yourself that starting now, you will do whatever it takes to put the issue behind you. There may be a part of you that resists; that’s okay. All you need is a little willingness to begin shifting the energy of the situation in a positive direction.

Step 2: Acknowledge, Allow, Accept and Express your Feelings

Many of us have a hard time with anger and other difficult emotions. We’re conditioned to believe they’re wrong and actively discouraged from expressing them. But it is vital that you do so. Start by owning up to how you really feel – the whole brutal, honest truth. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t feel bad. Don’t hide from it.

Once you’ve given space to the full spectrum of your deepest and ugliest emotions, find a safe, private space to unleash them. If this involves viciously throwing paint onto canvas, do that. If you feel the need to spew nasty words onto paper, do that. It doesn’t matter how you express yourself, only that you don’t hold back. 

Step 3: Visualise Venting your Anger at the Person Who’s Wronged You

Now, visualise this person standing in front of you and either in your imagination or in writing (perhaps in the form of a letter) tell them in no uncertain terms exactly how you feel about them. Direct the full force of your judgement, your fury, your loathing, whatever it is, at this person. Imagine what you want to do or happen to them. Don’t be afraid to go with whatever your imagination offers up.

Know that you’re not a bad person for doing this. It’s only human that a part of you would want to attack the person who has inflicted pain on you. You’re not harming them in any way – it goes without saying you don’t have the right to do that. But you do have a right to fully and truthfully express your pain, and that is what you are doing here. You are simply looking after yourself.

Bear in mind that if you choose to write a letter, it’s not advisable to send it. Instead, I suggest you rip it up and then either burn or bury the pieces of paper.   

This step together with the previous one is a critical part of this process, because expression really is the golden key that will unlock and release all the emotional heaviness you are carrying. There’s more guidance on working through anger in my previous blogs Are You Ready to Explode with Anger and How to Release Suppressed Anger.

Step 4: Find It in Yourself to Accept What Happened

Sometimes we avoid fully facing up to the unpleasant things we’ve experienced by denying them (“I just can’t believe that happened!”), resisting them (“That should never have happened!”) or wishing that things had been different. Yet no amount of mental acrobatics can change the reality that it did happen. It’s only by confronting reality and fully accepting it that it becomes possible to move past it.

Step 5: Give your Mind Reasons to Forgive

Ask yourself: Is this grudge serving me in any way? In what ways is it creating more suffering? How would forgiving benefit me? Refer to the beginning of this piece for help with this, and write down your responses to help deepen your reflections. 

Step 6: Try Viewing the Situation from a Different Perspective 

Now, this step is optional, depending on your circumstances. If you have suffered acute harm or anguish at the hands of another, it may not be appropriate for you to do this. But, if you can bring yourself to, it may soften your feelings around the relationship.

Spend some time reflecting on why this person may have behaved the way they did. Were they under a great deal of stress? Did they lash out because they were afraid? Did they have a difficult childhood and as a consequence are now incapable of functioning as a balanced human being? Were they themselves abused or betrayed?

This is not to minimise your pain or make excuses for what they did. It’s simply to provide context and to help you open up to the idea that it’s often a person’s own wounding, limiting beliefs and unresolved emotions that cause them to hurt another.

Lastly, as you examine what occurred between you and the other person, it may be worth reflecting on your own conduct. Perhaps you played some part in the way things turned out. If so, is there any learning you can take from it? With the benefit of this expanded perspective, what might you do differently in the future?

Step 7: Let It all Go

Provided you’ve worked through each of the preceding stages, it’s now time to shut the door on the past and to let it go, once and for all. This powerful visualisation is one I use often with clients and it can be immensely liberating. 

First, find a time to be alone. Then, imagine you are standing at the edge of a riverbank where a small boat is waiting for you. Step into the boat and picture it taking you all the way across to the other side. As you journey across the river to the opposite bank, see the island where you started receding further and further into the distance. Notice how by the time you arrive at the shore it is barely visible. This island represents your past and the wrong you’ve endured. Nothing on it, nothing in your past, can touch you now for there’s a vast river standing between you. You’ve left it all behind. You’re free.

If it feels appropriate, there is one final exercise you may wish to do. This won’t be right for everyone or every situation, and it’s not a necessary component of the process, but if you feel inclined, in a calm, quiet, meditative space hold in your mind’s eye the person you are forgiving. Then, either silently or aloud, repeat the words: “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease” – for as long as you feel able. 

As you repeat this practice (derived from the Buddhist concept of ‘loving kindness’), you are aiming to cultivate an attitude of goodwill, kindness and compassion towards this person in order to shift the energy of the relationship to a higher level.

Wiping the slate clean doesn’t mean you will forget what happened. Nor does it mean you have to keep the person in your life. Whether or not you continue the relationship is entirely up to you. And if you do, it’s up to you to decide what shape it will take and what boundaries you need to put in place.

Remember that it takes great strength of character to heal your grievances. Forgiving is certainly not a sign of weakness, as some might believe. There’s a lot of truth in these words from the American pastor and writer Dave Willis, who says:

“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” 

The promise of that inner freedom is what makes this a road worth taking. 

I hope this piece has been of some help to you. If you attempt this process and still have trouble letting go, then it may be because the discord is rooted in a deeper part of your being. Divine Healing can allow us to access these other dimensions and cleanse the energy around the relationship. If you feel this would be of benefit and would like some support, then please do give me call.