7 Things You Should Never Do or Say to a Bereaved Person

I recently met up with a friend who had just lost someone very close to her. It was evident that she was devastated by this death. Her pain was palpable: in her eyes, her voice, and her body language. Not only was she dealing with the immense pain of losing someone she loved dearly, under very traumatic circumstances, but she also now had to contend with the gaping hole it had left in her life.

She talked openly about the illness, the death, and her pain. None of her family live nearby, so she had to face the burden of dealing with her ordeal on her own.

For many years, I worked as a bereavement counsellor at the local hospice, so I was not surprised by my friend’s distress. I was, however, struck by one thing she disclosed.

She told me that she had expected people would help her, but, on the contrary, many around her were actually compounding her pain.

She felt that people were either avoiding her completely, or else making inappropriate comments that were causing her even more anguish.

It appears that, at times, our own feelings of helplessness and fear can cause us to unwittingly do more harm than good.

Here are 7 things you should never do or say to someone who is recently bereaved.

1. Don’t Avoid Them

They need you. Dealing with death is a deeply disorientating and isolating experience, and we all need caring and considerate people around us who will help, listen, and just ‘be’ there. Realising that our friends are avoiding us adds more pain to an already painful situation.

2. Don’t Say, “I Know How You Feel”

Because, quite frankly, you don’t. Nobody truly knows how another person feels, because we all bring our own unique self – our knowledge, experiences, beliefs and emotions – to every situation. By assuming that we know how somebody else feels, we take away their very unique perspective. This is disrespectful.

I once worked with an elderly lady whose husband had died. She had sought counselling, so I assumed that she was upset by this loss. I could not have been more wrong. Her husband was an angry and violent alcoholic, and she had secretly endured decades of emotional and physical abuse at his hands. She was overjoyed that he was dead. Her friends and family had projected their own assumptions about her feelings onto her, and she found herself having to pretend she was upset when, in fact, she was anything but.

3. Don’t Say, “You Should Be Feeling Better By Now”

Grief is a long and complex process, and we all experience the feelings associated with loss differently. Imposing your own timescale on this process does nothing but make the other person feel guilty, misunderstood, and isolated.

4. Don’t Avoid Mentioning Their Loss

We may think that by mentioning the person’s loss, we will be reminding them of it or causing even more distress. This is not true. Grief hangs over a person like a thick, dark cloud. It follows them around, from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep. They certainly will not have forgotten. As for upsetting them, they are already upset. By failing to mention their grief, you will be sending a signal that you don’t care. This will upset them even more.

5. Don’t Change the Subject When They Mention Their Loss

If they want to talk about their loss and you change the subject, you are making it more about you and your discomfort around death than about them and their loss. It is a privilege to be allowed into someone’s private, inner world. If someone is confiding in you, then, at some level, they have made a decision to trust you. Interrupting, and moving the conversation to something more palatable to you, betrays that trust.

6. Don’t Try to Find Something Positive to Say About the Loss

Statements such as “At least she lived a long life, many people die young” or “He is in a better place now” or “She did what she came here to do and it was time for her to go” may sound helpful but in actual fact are not.

Trying to rationalise the loss can be offensive to someone who is feeling sensitive and vulnerable. Statements like these are often based on individual beliefs, and these may not be shared by the bereaved person. Moreover, attempting to be positive can feel as though you are glossing over their pain, thus trivializing and minimising it. This can be deeply hurtful.

7. Don’t Say, “You Can Always Have Another …”

Telling someone that they can always have another child, get another dog, or find another partner is extremely offensive. The person or pet that has gone was special, unique, and irreplaceable. No one can ever take their place. It is understandable that people want to take the pain away, but statements like this, although well-intentioned, usually incite anger. The only person or pet the bereaved person is longing for is the one that is dead. You can’t fix their problem by suggesting alternatives.

So, having gone through what not to do, what are the right things to do when someone you know is grieving? Here are my suggestions.

• Do show them that you are genuinely concerned and that you care.

• Do make yourself available to listen or to help with practical tasks.

• Do allow them to talk about their loss, as much and as often as they want to.

• Do listen, and allow them to express their feelings in any way they choose, without fear of judgment.

• Do talk about the special qualities of the person they have lost.

• Do reassure them that they did everything they could for the person who is gone.

• And, if you struggle with “What do I say?” how about simply:

“I am so sorry for your loss … I can’t imagine how you must be feeling … Would you like to talk about it? … Or is there anything I can do?”