How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Those of you who are familiar with my work will know that I confess to being a recovered people pleaser. There was a time in my life when I’d bend over backwards to keep everyone else happy. I valued other people’s needs more than my own, tried hard to fit in and would automatically say yes to whatever was asked of me. It wasn’t until the stress I was under became unbearable that I realised something was seriously wrong. There was so much pressure in my life that I was left with no choice but to dig deep and change the way I related not only to others but also myself. It took some work but I turned myself around. How about you? Are you exhausted from being all things to all people? Are you forever trying to please others to the point where you feel like you’re losing yourself?
How to Forgive the People Who Have Hurt You
Is there a person in your life you’re harbouring anger and resentment towards? Someone you can’t bring yourself to forgive for what they’ve done to you? When someone has abused us; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored us; treated us unfairly or taken advantage of us, the pain and trauma can run deep and be difficult to come back from. Why, you might ask, when they’ve hurt you should you seek to forgive? There is one good reason, and that is to put an end to your own suffering. Holding onto feelings of anger, bitterness, hatred or resentment towards another not only keeps you bound to that person, emotionally and energetically, it also causes ongoing …
Are You a People-Pleaser?
I found myself dealing with a very forceful woman the other day who just wouldn’t accept that I couldn’t give her an appointment because I was fully booked up. She refused to hear what I was saying and continued to push at my personal boundaries for several minutes. Feeling the pressure building up inside me, I had to fight with every fibre of my being to not fall back into an old pattern of mine: being a people-pleaser. There was a time in my life when …
How to Be Authentic and Why It’s Important
I don’t know about you, but I’m instinctively drawn to people who are authentic – people who are real, genuine and down-to-earth. There are no airs and graces, no pretences, no fakery. It’s only just dawned on me that whenever I meet someone new, I use this one trait to determine whether I want to pursue a personal or business connection with them. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I believe many of us seek out people who are authentic. Here’s why …
How to Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Would you ever leave your house without securing the doors and windows? Or, leave your car unattended, unlocked, with the windows down?
I’m sure you wouldn’t. No one wants their property ransacked, stolen or tampered with.
I find it interesting that we all invest a considerable amount of time and energy in keeping our belongings safe, yet when it comes to keeping ourselves safe, psychologically and energetically, we pay far less attention ...
How to Recognise the Toxic People in Your Life
You probably know as well as I do that the quality of our relationships directly affects the quality of our lives. Healthy relationships are good for us. They have a positive effect on our mental and physical health, enhance our lives, help us grow into better versions of ourselves, and even cause us to live longer. Unhealthy relationships are not good for us. They have an adverse effect on our mental and physical health; they diminish the quality of our lives, cause us pain and hurt, and degrade us. People who value their inner peace and happiness always keep their relationships under regular review …
How to Ditch the Drama
Is there someone in your life who’s always creating drama? You know, the person who constantly overreacts to everyday events and behaves in a melodramatic, attention-seeking way. They always have a crisis going on: always someone to be angry with, something to complain about, something to cry about. Peace and balance are not qualities that you can readily associate with this person. In fact, conflict with others seems to be their natural default position. If you’ve ever associated with someone who loves drama …
How to Handle Difficult People
Christmas is meant to be a time of joy, peace and merriment. I think there’s a part of all of us that buys into that fairytale image of an open log fire, a beautifully decked out tree, piles of presents, cards, food, drink and a smiling, loving family. Yes, that’s right … I said ‘family’. For some people that word is enough to pop the fantasy bubble right away! Most of us get to spend time with family at Christmas. But, for some, that reality is about as far away from joy, peace and merriment as you can get. In fact, it’s often the cause of great anxiety and dread. A couple of people have articulated this sentiment in my …
How Our Parents Affect Our Adult Relationships
Would you say that your current relationships are generally warm, nurturing and harmonious? Do you believe that the world is a safe and secure place: a place in which you can lean on people, take emotional risks, and trust that people will be there for you in your time of need? Do you believe that people are generally on your side, and will support you in the way that you need them to, when you need them to? You may be surprised to hear that your parents have influenced your answers to these questions …
What Should We Tell Our Sons?
If there is one message that any young man who would like to feel happy, healthy and content needs to internalise, it is to let go of other people’s expectations. As parents it is often our expectations of our sons that have the potential to cause them the most harm. Young men are bombarded with “You should…” messages from an early age. These messages are always well-intentioned, and can include expectations on their behaviour, friendships, academic achievement, relationships, career choices and social activities …
Are You Tired of Dealing With That Irritating Person in Your Life?
Is there someone in your life that really gets on your nerves? You know, that person who you wish would stop being such a pain all the time. It could be your friend…your boss…your spouse…your parent…your child…your colleague. We all have these people in our lives. And, sadly, they have the potential to cause us a lot of misery and heartache. So what is your story? Do you endless wish for your spouse to be more attentive Your parent to be more accepting? Your child to be more motivated? Your boss to be more appreciative? Your friend to be more considerate? …
Are You Neglecting the Most Important Person in Your Life?
As human beings we are continually in relationship, all day and every day, for the whole of our lives. Sometimes it is with other living beings: humans and animals. Sometimes it’s with inanimate objects - food, clothes, money - or ideas. There is one relationship, above all others, that is critical to our wellbeing. It is impossible to live a peaceful, healthy, happy life if this relationship is not monitored and managed adequately. The relationship to which I’m referring is the one we have with ourselves. Let me ask you a question. How do you habitually relate to yourself? …
The Habits of Happy People: They Are Socially Selective
They ensure that their tribe is a positive and empowering one. They know that the people they hang around with affect their mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health so they choose them carefully. They use their feelings to identify the negative, manipulative, toxic people and simply cut them out of their life. And, if they can’t, they put up strong boundaries. They know that this is an issue of …
Are You Being Bullied Without Even Knowing?
I would like to think that, if I were being bullied, I would recognise it and do something about the situation. Wouldn’t you? Bullying is when one person uses their superior strength or influence to intimidate another person, typically to force them to do something. I’ve been asked to write about this issue by a client who, through our work together, has discovered that the controlling behaviour and shrewdness …
Habits of Happy People: They Don't Hold Grudges
They know that holding intense negative feelings about anyone harms them more than it harms the other person. Scientific studies show that holding a grudge adversely affects the health. It leads to anxiety, depression, an increased heart rate and elevated blood pressure. Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for happiness, health and peace …
Can You Seriously Afford to Not Speak Your Truth?
‘Ek chup, sau sukh’ is a saying from my culture, which if you share my Indian heritage you will definitely have heard many times. Loosely translated it means ‘staying quiet (and, I’ll add, compliant) leads to greater ease in life’. I grew up with this message. I consider it to be one of the gems of wisdom my mother passed onto me; one that has stood me in good stead over the years. There is definitely …
What Does Speaking Your Truth Actually Mean?
The inability to speak one’s truth is a common cause of deep unhappiness. Not being able to communicate our wishes and needs to those around us in a firm, clear, polite way means that at best, our needs are not met and at worst, we are misunderstood, ignored, side-lined or simply walked all over. I often ask people if they speak their truth, and point out that it is important to do so if they are to …
How to Release Suppressed Anger
“Get mad, then get over it.” Colin Powell
If you suspect you may be holding onto anger from the past, try the following exercise. Step 1: Find 30 – 60 minutes of alone time when you will not be disturbed. Step 2: Get yourself some paper, a pen, and a pillow, cushion or, if you have one, a punch bag …
Are You Ready to Explode with Anger?
Were you brought up like me; with the warped belief that anger is somehow inherently ‘bad’? That if you want to be loved and accepted then there could be no place in your life for anger? I picked up this message loud and clear whilst I was growing up. Not only was I totally oblivious to the fact that: a) anger is a natural, healthy, intrinsically positive emotion, and b) that I could learn to process, manage …