Are You Ready to Explode with Anger?

Were you brought up like me with the warped belief that anger is somehow inherently ‘bad’? That if you want to be loved and accepted, then there could be no place in your life for anger?

I picked up this message loud and clear whilst I was growing up. Not only was I totally oblivious to the fact that

a) anger is a natural, healthy, intrinsically positive emotion, and

b) that I could learn to process, manage and express anger in a safe and constructive way,

but, I also internalised the belief that it was actually ‘bad’ to even feel angry.

Now, how crazy was that? Or, more importantly, how dangerous was that for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health?

So How Can Anger Be Healthy?

Most people would argue that anger is a destructive force in a person’s life.

I totally agree.

It is a fact that anger can get a hold over you and lead you to say and do things that are rarely in your best interest.

However, I would say that if anger is explored and understood, and the underlying causes identified, it can give you significant clues as to what is out of balance in your inner and outer world.

Julia Cameron, in ‘The Artists Way’ articulates this well:

“Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are … Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction …”

Yes, acting out anger is not healthy or constructive but reflecting and acting on anger can be very beneficial for your well-being.

What Causes Anger?

One of the most obvious causes of anger is the violation of our personal boundaries.

If you were accused of doing something that you did not do, would you not feel angry?

Personal boundaries are the guidelines, rules or limits that we create to identify what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around and towards us. Personal boundaries include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries and are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.

The emergence of anger can instantly alert us to a personal boundary violation, and give us the opportunity, and energy, to do something about it if we need or choose to.

Sometimes the causes of anger are less apparent. One common but less obvious cause that I see a lot of in my client work is repressed or denied feelings.

Anger often masks and protects deeper, hidden vulnerabilities such as feelings of hurt, grief, sadness, guilt, fear or shame.

As humans we often displace our anger. We think we are angry or irritated with someone or something, but when we work through our feelings, we find out that the real issue actually lies elsewhere.

Sometimes it is easier for us to believe a certain story than face the truth and deal with the real underlying issues.

I recently read a counselling case study on domestic violence in which the perpetrator initially identified his wife’s lack of attention as the trigger for his angry violent outbursts. By working through his feelings and thought processes in therapy he discovered that the real cause was actually his own feelings of shame and powerlessness at work. He had a difficult relationship with his boss and felt he was not heard or valued. He did not have the courage to stand up for himself there, but at home there was a different power dynamic. The slightest trigger from his wife would ignite his anger and result in him behaving violently towards her.

Why Is it important to Express Anger?

Anger is an emotion, i.e. an energy (e) in motion. It needs to be allowed to flow.

Think of a time when you felt angry. Can you remember the anger igniting somewhere in your body and then surging up and wanting to leave your body, either through your mouth via your words, or your fist?

There is an awesome, destructive power behind anger. If this energy is not allowed to flow out of your being, it simply turns inwards and causes all sorts of harm.

The whole concept of disease can be linked to emotions that have been repressed. One of the most harmful emotions to repress is anger.

If you have worked with me, you will know that the analogy I often use is that of a barrel full of petrol, where the petrol represents your anger. Every time you feel angry but do not deal with it appropriately, you add more petrol to the barrel. Over time the barrel fills up. You probably don’t even notice; it just silently sits there in the middle of your life. Until that is, someone comes by and lights a tiny little match. And, BANG … the whole barrel explodes. You are left confused and disorientated by the disproportionate nature of your reaction. And those around you are left shocked, violated and abused.

Expressing Anger

It is clear that being angry is not a problem in itself. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

Anger expression typically takes one of three forms: anger-in, anger-out and anger control.

Holding Anger In

Anger-in is what we have just talked about; turning anger inwards. This method of keeping anger inside has been known to cause depression and physical disease. It also warps a person’s personality over time, making them passively aggressive.

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behaviour. It is where you are angry with someone but do not, or cannot, tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. And, maybe every now and again have a huge, explosive tantrum.

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behaviour that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.

I’m sure you will agree that this is not a healthy way to live, either for yourself or those around you.

Acting Anger Out

Anger-out is about expressing anger outwardly in ways that include physical assault on people or objects and hostile verbal assault.

I often find that when I say ‘don’t bottle up your anger’ people get frightened and defensive. They think there is only one alternative to holding anger in and that is to verbally or violently lash out.

No.

I would never advocate this as a healthy approach to anger. Unless you are in immediate physical danger and need to use your anger to defend yourself, or defend someone else, lashing out can make matters much worse.

Acting out in anger can do all sorts of damage to you and those around you. It can leave you feeling out of control, frightened and powerless in the face of your own emotions. And, it can lead to deep feelings of guilt and shame.

Anger Control

OK, what are you supposed to do?

As with everything in life, the answer lies in between the two extremes above; in the middle way.

The ideal way to manage and process anger in a safe, constructive and appropriate way is through the practice of anger control. Here are five techniques that are known to work well.

1. Talking Things Over

As we said earlier, anger can show us where changes need to be made within our life, particularly with regard to our relationships.

One way to deal with anger is to calmly, constructively talk things over with the person who has angered you.

This technique is not about venting or yelling at the person. It is about telling them why you are angry in a way that moves toward a solution.

This method of expression is why anger can sometimes be good for us. We’re moved to address a negative in our life and make it a positive. It can force us to fix problems in relationships that we want to maintain. In some cases, it might be a simple fix; the person may not have known that what they were doing was angering you.

This approach takes courage because you have to deal with your own fears about being ignored, rejected or abandoned. The goal here is to express your needs. It involves being assertive without being aggressive.

2. Talking to a Third Party

Sometimes we are not able to do the above for whatever reason. (We can’t track down every single reckless driver for a calm conversation, for example.)

In these cases, talking to a third party can help. Discussing the incident with a friend or colleague can help us to offload and gain a sense of perspective.

Studies have shown that this approach can help to lower blood pressure, dissipate anger and lead the way to all-round better mental, emotional and physical health.

3. Talking to a Professional Listener

In the same way as above, talking therapy can help release anger. There are many benefits of talking to a trained counsellor.

• Everything you say is strictly confidential.

• S/he can facilitate anger release using a range of creative techniques.

• S/he can help you manage your anger better by working with you to identify the triggers and devise strategies to deal with and diffuse similar situations in the future.

• S/he can help you identify the underlying causes of the anger and explore ways in which you can either change these causes or change your reaction to these causes.

• And, s/he can help you to manage the general stress and tension prevalent in modern life.

4. Physically Releasing the Anger

As mentioned above, one of the most noticeable things about the emotion of anger is the surge of energy that accompanies it. Physically releasing this energy in a safe, controlled way is a great way to express and release anger without it causing any damage and harm.

An obvious technique is to connect with the anger inside you (call to mind the person or the event that has angered you) and let it all out on a punch bag or a pillow or even a horrible looking soft toy.

Someone once told me that when she gets angry she goes and aggressively kneads some dough. I thought this was a brilliant idea. (Although I did make a mental note not to eat anything made of dough in her house! Can you imagine the energy in that food?!)

Another person who had suffered years of unspeakable abuse at the hands of someone who was now dead said that she printed off and enlarged a picture of that person, stuck it on a pillow, connected with the rage that she had bottled up for decades and repeatedly stabbed the photo with a knife. She kept going until she had let it all out. It took half an hour but by the end of it, it was all gone. She was finally at peace. Previously, even the mention of this person’s name caused her deep suffering. Now she felt nothing.

5. Journaling

One of the best techniques for processing and releasing anger is through journaling.

Writing is a profoundly effective way of:

a) dealing with what you are thinking and feeling, and

b) moving on from that.

It can be done in the moment when you are feeling angry, or it can be done with situations from the past where you feel you have suppressed your anger.

The joy of journaling is that it is a very private and personal activity in which you can say exactly what you want without any need to self-censor. You can swear, rant and rave and say all the things that you would never dare to, or dream of, saying to someone’s face. There is no need to worry about grammar or sentence structure; all you do is write down whatever angry thoughts come to mind and continue to write until all the negativity has faded away. At the end you simply tear up the paper and throw it away. You have released the anger from your being in a safe, controlled way and no harm has been done to any of your relationships.

I’ll end with this quote by Mark Twain:

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

If you feel you would like some help with understanding and/or processing your anger, then give me a call. It often only involves a few sessions but it can make a huge difference to the quality of your life, and to your sense of well-being.